A year ago today, one of the greatest friends I’ve ever had went home to be with the Lord. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long, but the calendar doesn’t lie. The last year hasn’t been easy for me, or for those that knew Travis.
Today is also Sunday, The Lord’s Day. I have to admit, going to church today didn’t sound all that interesting. We were having a Palm Sunday celebration, with special music and all sorts of things that ordinarily would have been right up my alley. Being around people and celebrating just didn’t seem to fit what I was feeling, though. When we woke up this morning, it was gray and rainy outside, and I hated it. I hated it because it fit my mood. I hated it because Travis died in an accident caused by a rainy day. Between getting dressed and making sure our son didn’t find more toys to throw in the toilet, I found some Facebook pictures posted of Travis and choked back the tears when I found one of the two of us from a few years back. I was “helping” Travis coach a middle school basketball team. I say “helping”, because he was the only one who actually knew what we were supposed to be doing. I was along for the ride.
During the 25-minute drive to church, my mood grew steadily worse. Questions I though I’d dealt with came back up. I didn’t understand why it happened a year ago, and I still don’t understand today. I remembered some of the good times we had, and I thought about where I was when I found out about the accident. I remembered the funeral. Travis was a police officer, and I remember driving from the church to the cemetery in the longest procession of cars I’d ever been in. There were so many police cars, the blue and red and white lights reflecting off of the trees and buildings made it look like the Fourth of July, only more somber. As we passed through little towns, business owners and patrons came out to watch all of us drive by. Many stood at attention. The police and local fire departments stopped traffic at each intersection until we had all passed. I remember thinking that I’ve never been so proud to have known someone. It was an event befitting a hero, and that is exactly what Travis was. His church knew it. His family knew it. His son’s school knew it. His coworkers knew it. The inmates at the prison he ministered at knew it. It felt like the only One who didn’t know how important Travis was to everyone was God. As blasphemous as that last sentence sounds, that’s how I felt after the accident, and that’s how I felt this morning driving to church.
We got to church, dropped our son off in the nursery, and found a seat. As the service began, I thought of how darkly ironic it was that, on a day we were celebrating “death swallowed up in victory”, my thoughts continually turned to how, one year ago, life had been swallowed up by death. It just seemed so wrong. Everybody did an excellent job this morning. The pastor preached between choir songs, and I struggled the whole way through, wrestling with my lack of understanding. I felt like walking out.
Then the unexpected happened. The back doors opened, and people came marching in, carrying banners. These were not flags of our nation or the “Christian flag”. They were banners with different names for Christ and Bible verses on them. The men carrying the banners marched down the aisles, and placed the banners one at a time in stands across the stage. I wondered if that was something like what worship in Heaven would be like. Then, it reminded me of that procession from funeral to graveside, how proud I was of the honor Travis was receiving. To hear the applause of the congregation and the choir’s song, to see those banners spread across the stage made me realize how worthy Christ is of our praise. I was reminded of the words of Job 13:15: “Though he slay me, yet will I trust Him.” Though I didn’t understand Him or His ways, Jesus was worthy of being trusted still.
Up on the stage, the banner entitled “Lion of the Tribe of Judah” stood facing me. On it was a picture of a Lion’s face. Perhaps the face was meant to be solemn, or gentle, or sympathetic, or….I don’t really know what effect it was meant to have. I only know that, staring at the picture of the Lion that stared back at me with big, green, understanding eyes, I felt a bit like Lucy from the Chronicles of Narnia. To paraphrase C. S. Lewis, the Lion of the Tribe of Judah is not a tame Lion. Through the voice of Mr. Beaver, Lewis explains the tension between fear and awe this knowledge brings. Lucy asks him whether or not the Lion is safe, since He is not tame. Mr. Beaver replies: “’Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
So it is with Christ. He isn’t safe. He works in ways that we don’t understand, but He is good. He is the King, and He is worthy of praise. He is good to us even when we question Him, and lovingly draws us closer to Himself. For this, I am truly grateful.
To quote William Cowper:
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.
Tags: church,
Easter,
funeral,
travis